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At some point, I hit the bottom. To the point where I locked myself in a dark bathroom and cried. Like usual, the most consoling thing was imagining my suicide scenes. But then I remembered that insurances don’t cover suicides, so I shook the thoughts away. Although at times like this, there’s nothing more comforting than the thought of leaving everything behind.

Once I stopped crying, there’s nothing left to do except to pray. I prayed to the universe for answers. I prayed to the universe to let me leave this world since I don’t think my existence brings nothing but troubles to the people I love. I prayed for the people I love, so they would be happy after all the troubles I have caused. I pray for the world to be better place without me. 

Then I heard the voice of my psychic friend in my head, he said something like he will always pray for my happiness, and I just cried and stopped praying.

I went to a Sunday mass just now. At first I wasn’t paying attention to what the Banthe (or buddhist monk) said until he said something like this, “The world seems like a very difficult place to live. You feel like you’re faced with endless problems. You start to feel that you don’t belong in this world anymore. You are tempted to end it and go to ‘heaven’ or nibbana. But things don’t work that way, there’s no guarantee that when you leave this world, you will go to a better place.”

It was a long dharma talk. The way he closed the session made me cry again. This is what he said, “Do you know how we always say ‘sabbe satta bhavantu sukhitatta’ or happiness for all beings. Well, guess what, the prerequisite of that is for you yourself to be happy at the first place. When you are happy, you make beings around you happy, they make their surroundings happy and that’s the way all beings can be happy. You are a part of all beings. So, go and be happy.”

It always feels incredible when the universe resonates to your thoughts and feelings. Now, let’s find the way to be happy.

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3 Comments

  1. I really like this post. As Winston Churchill said it best, “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” It is a comforting quote for me since whatever bad things happen today, as long as God’s willing, it will pass. It will also pass if we keep moving. I don’t know what happens but be strong, Ste. Just keep going on.

    And while you’re on it, be happy for yourself. :)

    We all have its ups and downs.

  2. Be strong ci. :)

  3. *peluk ste*


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