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should I give up on life?

Okay, maybe I had one super bad year. But as the year closing, it’s becoming worse and worse. These days, I don’t even give a damn about whether my insurance will cover suicides or not. Honestly, spending a good one hour planning my suicide scenes is the only comfort and peace my mind can have.

Well, let’s see. The thing I messed up at work doesn’t seem to have any solution now or near the future. And it affects a lot of people. Every time I arrive at the office my stomach acid would flow like there’s no tomorrow. That’s why I’ve been consuming polysilane as breath mints.

And working in family business means any shit you face at work, follows you home. Since every thing I touch usually turns into shit. Maybe it’s suitable to use the phrase ‘in deep shit’.

You know, I could live this life of making mistakes and making amends. The thing I can’t stand anymore is to (re)realize (for the friggin zillionth time) is that I’m the mistake in the life of the people I care about. I feel like the wrong daughter, the wrong sister, the wrong employee, the wrong wife, and I don’t wanna be the wrong mother for my future kids.

I seriously don’t think I’ll make any differences being alive or dead. Why should I keep putting every one in misery. Maybe one blow and no more is better for them.

I’m not sure I’ve ever been this tired. Plus this fever and the fact that I can’t go to tomorrow’s gathering had pushed me to my limit. I hit the bottom once again. And I have nothing to look forward to anymore.

It’s lonely down here.

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2 Comments

  1. Was going through a pretty bad shit these past few weeks too, but I’ve come into conclusion that you are never a mistake to those who really loves you. hang in there Cicipo. it will get better. it always does :)

  2. aww ste.. *hugs*

    i hope you feel better real soon. i miss you.
    we love you!!!


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