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nomadic (2u4/03/06)

“nani shiteru?”
“dance practice wo shite. demo, minna mo mada kimasu. osoi yo. btw, natsu yasumi de kaerimasen. shigoto ga aru.”
“@@a, nihon no koto dou suru? g bulan agustus peginya.”

havent replied that sms yet, i dont think im gonna leave this tiny lil island on summer holiday. bukannya saya engga pengen ketemu teman-teman dan menggila lagi, bukannya saya engga pengen menghabiskan setengah hari saya di toko buku, bukannya saya engga pengen cerita2 tentang hidup bersama mama over a cup of coffee, bukannya saya engga pengen menghabiskan at least 4 jam tiap malam di pesawat telepon saya yang bunyi kresek2 di atas bangku putar biru yang rodanya sudah hilang satu, dan bukannya saya engga pengen melakukan sepuluh seratus seribu dan sejuta hal lainnya di kampung halaman. apalagi mama sudah menjanjikan trip ke bromo via surabaya. she wants to see bromo she said.

selama ini saya selalu pulang untuk seseorang. seseorang yang milik saya, dan seseorang yang memiliki saya. dan ketika itu saya bisa berkata, “honey, i’m home.” seburuk apapun kondisi rumah itu, saya tidak pernah peduli. sayang sekali saya cukup lengah untuk menyadari kalau ternyata yang saya sebut “home” itu tidak permanen. saya cukup lengah untuk menyadari kalau satu persatu perabotannya hilang seiring waktu. saya cukup bersyukur karena masih punya tempat bernaung, dan itu saja cukup. (apalagi kenyataan menghendaki saya melewati terbenamnya matahari tiga ratus kali di tempat yang jauh dari rumah.)

ketika atap mulai bocor dan dinding mulai retak. saya pikir saya masih bisa bertahan karena selalu ada cukup ember untuk menadah hujan dan retak pada dinding dengan mudah dapat dianggap sebagai corak wallpaper yang sedang tren musim ini. ini masih rumah saya, pikir saya and i belong here.

dan dalam satu detik. tanpa goyangan gempa sebagai peringatan. tanpa tetes-tetes air yg mengalir deras karena langit menangis. tanpa hembusan angin pilu dari celah dinding yang retak. tanpa bara sinar mentari di jendela yang sudah tak jelas bentuknya.

dalam satu detik itu, saya sudah tidak punya tempat untuk pulang.

tidak ada yang bisa disalahkan dalam kasus ini. bukan salah developer yang iming-imingnya terlalu menggoda. bukan salah alam karena cuaca tidak bersahabat. bukan salah mereka yang mengambil perabotan satu demi satu. tidak ada yang bisa disalahkan memang kecuali saya.

apa yang membuat kondisi rumah tidak layak ditinggali lagi selain penghuni yang melalaikan tanggung jawab?

jika kerang (kata alex keong, ah ga tau d) dapat dengan mudahnya (sepertinya, saya bukan kerang/keong atau hewan berlendir lainnya jd kurang jelas) mencari rumah baru di hamparan pasir, mungkin tidak lama lagi saya juga akan menemukan satu di kaki langit. mungkin.. (oh shit, why do i always sound so pathetic :( )

well, this is gonna be my last summer holiday in taiwan ^^

The special gift of suffering, I have learned, is how to be strong while we are weak, how to be brave when we are afraid, how to be wise in the midst of confusion, and how to let go of that which we can no longer hold. In this way, anger can teach us forgiveness, hate can teach us love, and war can teach us peace.”
– from “When Heaven and Earth Changed Places” by Le Ly Hayslip

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it’s all about chemistry…(14/03/06)

saya hanya gadis biasa
yang mencoba menjadi ilmuwan gila
mendobrak pintu lab kimia
dan mengobrak-abrik lemari kaca
mencampurkan segala substansi penuh warna
dengan harapkan menghasilkan cinta

lebih dari satu, dua dan tiga
saya campur dan aduk rata
saya panaskan di api biru yang terus menyala
selama lebih dari seribu lima ratus senja

terus mencampur rata
terus mengaduk lama
tapi terbukti sia-sia
tetap tidak menghasilkan cinta

reaksi fisika kerap terlihat mata
reaksi kimia tidak kunjung tercipta

“katalisator! katalisator!” jerit buku teks berwarna jingga
“sudah! sudah!” bantah saya tak kalah kerasnya

saya banting tabung-tabung kaca itu
saya lari keluar dari sana
dengan air mata putus asa

mungkin tidak cukup permukaan reaksinya
mungkin permukaan molekul yang satu enggan mengikat yang lainnya
mungkin salah substansinya
mungkin kadarnya sedikit melebihi kuota
mungkin yang di buku jingga itu bukan fakta
mungkin cinta hanya khayalan semata

atau mungkin saya harus kembali jadi gadis biasa

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the subtle scent that hitched a ride on the wind (11/03/06)

sejak seminggu lalu, aroma itu terus mengusik saya. aroma yang kadang menumpang angin yang membelai nostril saya ketika saya sedang dalam perjalanan pulang kampus. aroma yang juga masuk dari sela-sela jendela yang terbuka sedikit, lagi-lagi bersama sang angin. tidak jelas apakah itu aroma pinjaman musim dingin yang hampir berakhir, atau oleh-oleh musim semi yang menghampiri.

saya merasa terusik bukan karena aroma itu menganggu jaringan penciuman saya. setiap aroma itu datang, saya merasa the Mother Nature is smiling at me. a very sad smile. sebentuk senyum yang membangkitkan kenangan ketika saya berumur tujuh tahun. ketika kakek saya meninggal dunia.

ingatan masa kecil saya tidak banyak. (tidak banyak yang indah tepatnya.) entah kenapa slide-slide memori menjelang masa berpulangnya kakek saya selalu tersimpan rapi dan dalam kondisi baik untuk diputar setiap saat. dan sejak minggu lalu, pertama kalinya saya menghirup aroma itu, slide-slide itu kembali terputar.

saya ingat kami bertiga (papa, pam dan saya) naik taksi menuju airport. sepertinya jam empat sore kami jalan dari rumah. saya ingat papa duduk di depan, saya dan pam yang waktu itu baru berumur 4 tahun (dan terus menangis) duduk di belakang. saya ingat saya tidak duduk dengan tenang. malahan naik ke jok dan menatap ke belakang. saya ingat saya melihat anak kecil (padahal wkt itu juga masih kecil :p) yang sedang berjualan koran, lalu saya bilang ke papa “pa, kasian ya” dan beliau menyuruh saya untuk duduk dengan benar kalau tidak bisa pusing nanti.

saya ingat adik saya tidak bisa berhenti menangis di pesawat dan membuat papa kalang kabut sehingga harus memangkunya selama 2 jam dari jakarta ke medan.

saya ingat pam langsung menangis keras waktu masuk ke kamar kakek. i remember, i felt nothing. i just went numb. masih sangat jelas di ingatan ketika kakek saya memberikan pesan kepada semua putra putrinya. masih sangat jelas ketika paman saya yang paling kecil berkata, “Pa, saya akan jadi anak baik dan engga ngelawan lagi. saya akan jaga mama baik-baik.” (i wonder if my dearest uncle still remember his promises). dan suara tangisan semua yang disana waktu kakek menghembuskan napas terakhirnya juga masih jelas. amat jelas.

and i remember, i felt nothing.

semuanya masih jelas di sini. ketika jenazah kakek ditaruh di ruang tamu dengan kaki menghadap pintu depan. ketika orang-orang keluar masuk datang melayat. ketika biksu-biksu berdoa sepanjang malam. ketika pam menangis terus. ketika saya duduk di mobil menuju tempat dimana kakek akan dimakamkan. semua masih jelas disini.

and i remember, when i finally felt something.

when the whole process was over. saya pulang. dan rumah itu tidak sama lagi. di meja biasa kakek menulis rangkaian doa (jing1) untuk kebaktian ( we usually do the praying every night.), tidak ada bayangan beliau. di kuil belakang (yeah, my granpa house has a lil temple) tidak ada bunyi gemerincing bel tanda kakek sedang sembahyang, sudut kecil tempat prakteknya (yes yes yes, kakek saya dulu seorang tabib juga) juga terlihat sudah lama tidak tersentuh.

and i finally give in to myself. saya akhirnya mengakui kalau beliau telah tiada. dan saya ke dapur. dan menangis di meja makan.

i never thought about this, but the subtle scent that rides with the wind reminds me of this. and i don’t think i wanna forget it..

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(03/03/06)

memegang erat pada apa yang nyata tetapi tidak terlihat
berhenti di titik yang sama
lalu berjalan tanpa tahu arah
tanpa petunjuk peta atau arah mata angin
hanya mengikuti bintang
benar, hanya mengikuti bintang

menghargai sang waktu yang sudah dijatah
karena hanya ini yang kita punya
“tiada yang abadi,” kata mereka
benar, hanya ini yang kita punya

harapan yang terucap mungkin tak akan menjadi kenyataan
tapi apakah itu membuat kita berhenti berharap?

tangis dan air mata mungkin akan bercucuran
tapi apakah pernah gelak tawa kehilangan keindahannya?

sedetik kemudian senyuman itu membungkam mulut saya.
dan saya terus melangkah di sampingnya,
mengikuti bintang sampai waktu berpihak pada yang lain.

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very extremely unbearably sleepy..(01/03/06)

suatu ketika saya akan mengambil hatimu
menimang-nimangnya sejenak
menaruhnya di atas meja dan menatapnya penuh cinta
lalu tangan kiri saya akan membelainya dengan segala afeksi yang ada
tanpa kamu tahu tangan kanan telah memegang palu dengan siaga
tiga puluh detik kemudian
menghancurkan hatimu dengan satu hentakan keras.
dan kamu akan mati.

dan setelah tiga puluh detik berlalu lagi
saya akan mengambil hati saya
mencengkramnya dengan erat
menghempaskannya di atas meja
menorehkan namamu di seluruh permukaannya dengan silet di tangan kanan
sementara tangan kiri menabur garam di jejak luka.
lalu saya tertawa karena sakit
dan menangis karena kamu
dan raga ini akan tetap hidup
dan melakukan penyiksaan yang nikmat itu sekali-kali.

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see you in hell fella (28/02/06)

“S`io credesse che mia risposta fosse
A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,
Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse.
Ma perciocche giammai di questo fondo
Non torno vivo alcun, s’i’odo il vero,
Senza tema d’infamia ti rispondo”
Dante’s Inferno (XXVII, 61-66)

(If I believed that my answer would be
To someone who would ever return to earth,
This flame would move no more,
But because no one from this gulf
Has ever returned alive, if what I hear is true,
I can reply with no fear of infamy
)

Epigram ini mengawali puisi T.S. Eliot yang berjudul “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufock”, jadi mau tidak mau profesor saya ngebahas stanza kutipan Infernonya Dante itu. kesimpulannya kata beliau, manusia hanya akan berkata jujur (“truth”) dalam situasi dimana konsekuensi itu tidak ada. so in any other time, it’s all about lie lie and lie.

kapan konsekuensi itu tidak ada?
bagaimana konsekuensi itu tidak ada?

mungkin saat kita “berkata jujur” itu adalah saat dimana kita berbohong pada diri sendiri untuk meyakinkan bahwa rentetan kata yang keluar itu tidak berkonsekuensi. setidaknya untuk mereka yang mendengarnya.

dan hal itu rasanya tidak mungkin. karena saat bibir terjahit, hati dan otak tetap akan berontak di dalam. huhm…

mungkin memang tidak akan pernah ada saat dimana konsekuensi itu tidak ada. ego saya telah memilih untuk mengacuhkannya, berkata apa yang hati rasakan. dan memutuskan untuk membohongi diri atas ketiadaan konsekuensi pada saat-saat tertentu.

yup, ujung-ujungnya bohong lagi.
jika bohong itu dosa, dan dosa adalah tiket ke neraka.
pasti yang namanya surga itu tidak benar-benar ada.

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this is getting old and ridiculous (23/02/06)

i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely.i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely.i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely.i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely.
and on top of it, i hate admitting that I AM LONELY. i hate admitting that i’ve never gonna have enough company. i hate admitting that I HATE being miss. operator in the room every weekend because everyone else in my room turns out to have a real life, a real activity on Friday night and the only activity i have is picking up telephone and jotting down messages. i can pretend not to be lonely, but i can’t write that i’m not lonely. i miss my time in jakarta because i dont have time to think about the loneliness. i like accepting calls for me. i like my never stopped ringing cellphone. i like rushing from malls to cafe to anywhere just to get company. i love being the one who got home last so i dont miss anything. i even enjoyed picking Niel up from the internet cafe in 2 a.m. in the morning so i can have a fifteen minutes drive with someone in the night. i hate to admit that i hate whining about how lonely i am cause this stuff is getting old.
i hate my series-of-loneliness-dreams where i’m always the one who’s being left alone. and i dont need Freudian scholars to tell me that those dreams are reflection of my oppressed feeling or allegory of my past. i need them to cure me. to set a limit where i only need a certain amount of company charged into me and it would make me feel lonely no more.
i hate that few minutes ago i was lyin in my bed wanting to rest in peace. i hate that i was cryin out loud few seconds after everyone went out somewhere. i hate that new bruises on my knee and ankle which i got this afternoon when i fell down hard *i cried when i fell :(* in front of the bathroom. i hate the bruise i got when i almost fell down from the stairs in the administration building but managed not to fall and crash the wall instead. i hate the bruise i got when i tripped on the fan’s cable, fell down and managed to stand up but hitting the chair instead. i hate that those bruises hurt. but at least i can see the things that hurt.
but this pain inside, the one that wont go away, is invisible. and crying or writing doesnt help. and i even suffocated in my safety zone. maybe i should get someone to check if the zone was safe enough.
i hate feeling unwanted..

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a small path to heaven (23/02/06)

( i took the picture today (23rd feb) . tapi jalanannya udah disapu kalau siang ^^. still i enjoyed my time there :D wish you guys can come and visit the school too.)

jalan itu adalah rute favorit saya setiap tahun sesaat sebelum libur musim dingin, dan sesaat setelah libur berakhir. alasan saya menyukainya sesaat sebelum semester akhir bukan karena akhirnya ujian selesai dan saya bisa balik jakarta. dan alasan saya menyukainya di awal semester, bukan karena baterai semangat saya masih penuh sehingga pergi ke kelas merupakan kegiatan yang menyenangkan.

rute itu antar perpustakaan dan jalan pulang menuju asrama saya. jalan belakang kata orang-orang. saya suka lewat jalan setapak belakang gedung fakultas saya itu. kalau kamu melihat ke kanan, disana terhampar padang rumput luas dimana saya ingin dikuburkan dimana saya ingin melewatkan malam belahan jiwa saya berbaring disana menghitung bintang atau debar jantung masing-masing. atau mungkin hanya terdiam menikmati pijar-pijar lampu dari stasiun sepak bola yang tak mungkin lari dari mata. atau apa saja. (yeah, i mean it. atau apa saja)

kalau kamu menengok ke sebelah kiri, tentu saja ada gedung fakultas sastra ( stella, sastra asing 2003 nomor absen 54 :D *lho*) spasi antara jalan setapak dan gedung itu ditanami pohon-pohon tinggi yang sepertinya sudah di atur sedemikian rupa jaraknya. it’s like a very tiny forest when you I think of it. it just gives me some strange feeling that i enjoy :D

lalu setelah kurang lebih delapan puluh detik kamu berjalan, seiring kamu menemukan kalau pohon-pohon tinggi di kiri mu mulai berkurang, sesaat kamu melewati tempat parkir dan menyeberang jalan dan sampai pada pertigaan. arahkan kakimu ke arah kanan. dan tarik napas. (kamu juga bisa ke kiri kalau mau balik ke area kampus, saya sih mau pulang ^^) jalan panjang itu, jalan yang berawal dari gedung Activity centre sampai supermarket di bawah sana adalah jalan favorit saya di waktu-waktu yang saya sebutkan di atas.

saya selalu menikmati setiap detik di jalan itu, langkah saya cenderung saya perlambat just for another second there. dan musim seperti ini, barisan pohon-pohon yang telah ditanam dengan rapih di kanan kiri masih berdiri dengan gagahnya, walaupun daun mereka hampir tidak ada. mungkin masih ada daun-daun kuning yang enggan meninggalkan ranting, tapi tidak sedikit pohon yang berdiri dengan acuh tak acuh seakan-akan tahu, para daun hanya pergi bermain sejenak.

dan setapak yang saya injak itu hampir tidak kelihatan dibuat oleh tangan manusia. melainkan sedikit campur tanganNya yang mungkin tengah luang, merajut permadani panjang dari daun-daun kuning yang akhirnya jatuh ke tanah setelah lelah bermain.

saya selalu menikmati setiap detik di jalan itu. setiap helai daun kecil yang menyangkut di rambut saya. setiap bunyi gesekan sepatu saya dan tanah. setiap citra yang mata saya teguk. setiap gelak tawa orang-orang yang beristirahat di bangku-bangku putih di pangkuan akar.

setiap detiknya…….

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a corner of my own~ (22/02/06)

a picture of my “safety zone”, i love this corner of my bed so much. my roomie refers it as a junkyard cause most of what i put on the wall is pretty much ‘junk’ in shape, but not junk in meaning.

well, i have pictures on the wall (those aren’t junk by all meaning), i have a sign that says “No Animals Here Please” in Japanese (I love signs so much!), i have greeting cards, oh i have my fave Taiwanese rock band (Mayday) poster, i have tickets (from movie, bus, festival etc), i have magnets double taped on the wall because too many people have told me not to stick magnets on my cpu’s casing.

what my roomie referred as “junk” mungkin sebenarnya cuma beberapa benda. mungkin potongan-potongan sampul buku hardcover yang kuambil waktu dulu kerja di perpus *dibuang kan sayang, i mean they are really good*, then guntingan bungkus makanan. i told her potongan itu means a lot to me. someone gave it to me one day before my bday, karena tanggal kadaluarsa makanan itu persis sama ulang tahunku. then the other junk yang sampai buat dia geleng-geleng kepala habis2an itu, sobekan dari snack cheetos :D *klo di foto itu yang biru-biru di atas foto keluarga* there was a guy i like a lot a lot a lot. (kalau mau tulis terus “a lot” nya ga abis deh. tapi cuma “like” ajah ^^) well things were good with him. tapi, i had a boyfriend remember? huhu, somehow we just drifted apart. cheetos itu aku dapat dari dia. on mid-autumn festival night activity. i was just sitting alone there. he called my name,threw a pack of cheetos :D and walked away. and i kept that cheetos, only eating it few days before the expiry date. dan makannya juga dengan amat sangat tidak rela huhuhu. my roomie said, “untung bungkusnya engga elo cuci dan tempel di tembok.” hmm, why didnt i think of it? :(

the other stuff there were some teddy bears. there are 4 teddies on my bed. i got 3 of them form Mitsuko (dari mesin tangkep2 boneka), one from Fella (Jeff’s lil cousin whom i love very much) and a bigger one from Amel. she said it looks like me (sleepy-face :D), there’s also a digital doraemon clock (also from Mit, also dari mesin tangkep2 boneka.), a small piggy bank with a pig wearing pajamas sleeping on clouds with lil stars on it and a “No Disturb” sign (also from Amel, and it’s what Mit referred as “so-stella” issit the pig, the stars or the sleepy face?). There’s also a Working-House lamp that i bought because Jing2 told me it was so Pyrex. and some books i’m reading (currently reading “Catatan Seorang Demonstran”, but i also have “Le Petite Prince” xmas gift from Alex and a poem book “To a Very Special Sister” xmas gift from my sis.)
hmm, i also sleep with a lot of pillows. there are four of them. 2 untuk kepala, satu untuk dipeluk dan the other one is to cover my face. and on top of that i still have one guling to hug too. a psychological article i read classified me as an insecure person. but hey, i’m willing to trade all of em with someone who doesnt mind my kung-fu style of sleeping. (everyone who had tried usually attacked me with complains and refused to spend another night sharing bed with me. kalau semua bantal dan guling bisa ngomong, mereka pasti udah protes karena tiap pagi udah tergeletak di lantai.)
hmm, FYI kasur saya amat sangat keras. ^^ some have told me to get a new mattress. some have asked how i can sleep on that kind of surface. but i’m the girl who could sleep in the side of a volleyball court while everyone was playing happily. so this mattress is way good enough for me :D although i cant help to deny that a big fluffy 5 stars hotel bed is a blessing.
writing this made me kind of sleepy. and today i think i better start sleeping decently because i have to do a report of my sleepin habit for my “Realize Your Sleep” general education class. so i have to write down my sleeping and waking hours, list the drugs and things i consumed, and things like that for 2 weeks. then write a report based on the record. the class is interesting. i had my first class yesterday. the first task was to form a group consists of 4-6 people. and there was no one i knew in the class. so 3 guys who were sitting around me asked me if i wanted to join them. ( it’s kinda funny cause i heard them saying “elo deh yang tanya.” “aduh g bingung mau panggil apa, elo aja deh” around 3 minutes ^^” was i that scary?) well, anyway i grouped with them, tiga cowo ilmu fisika 2003 *seram*. hope they wont regret havin me in their group.
hmm, even writing a paragraph of my daily routine makes me bored. i should get a life.
How do you feel when there’s no sun?
And how will you be when rain clouds come?
They’ll pull you down again
How will you feel when there’s no one?
Am I just like you?”

Feeling a Moment by Feeder

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my last self-consolation, hopefully (17/02/06)

akhirnya cuma tertahan di ujung lidah
atau mungkin memang tidak pernah beranjak dari pangkal
atau jangan-jangan menyangkut di tenggorokan
dan hanya bisa membuat saya terbatuk-batuk
atau tertawa garing dan meringis sinis

mungkin memang cuma menggema di hati
pertanyaan ini
mutar-mutar di hati saja, atau kadang melonjak langsung ke kepala
di sana dia mutar-mutar lagi
dan mengundang Echo

dan hingga detik terakhir saya berbicara dengannya
kalimat ini, tidak berhasil keluar
pertanyaan ini tidak mendapatkan jawabannya
(atau memang jangan-jangan tidak ada?)

“KAMU KOK TEGA SIH?”

Sebaiknya saya berhenti mencari consolation dengan membuat alasan yang mengada-ada. mungkin memang rasa sayang dia terhadap dirinya berjuta kali lipat dari perasaannya terhadap saya. mungkin saya cuma sebuah objek atau produk yang lewat dalam hidupnya, dan kebetulan saja di akhir tahun lalu sudah kadaluarsa. (yeah, self-consolation yang mengada-ada lagi. duh!)

saya sudah angkat kaki dari tempat itu. hati saya dimana? saya cukup yakin dia tidak tinggal, tapi dia juga tidak disini. sedang berjalan-jalan dan mencari mungkin?
(moga-moga dia pergi nyari kerja paruh waktu aja degh. ^^” badly need one right now)

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tomorrow is just an excuse (12/02/06)

reach to the point where my mind thinks to much and it just goes blank. well, not really blank. more like it just tangled up in wires. those wires with thorns.the thorns that prickle when the mind reacts to something.
the thorns that prickle when the mind reacts to nothing.

sometimes they are stimulating for pain and pressure is a pleasure
but sometimes the stings just feel like nothing.
n-u-m-b

escape has never been an option from i can’t run from what is inside.
and i have nowhere to run to, for i’m one of those lost souls on earth, that go to and fro, hiding in people’s comfort zone. enjoying the warmth, company and hospitality while offering what i have in return. sometimes i hope that it wont be too soon for the time they ask me to leave, and at some other times, i just cant wait to leave.

the heart once begged me to stay, but circumstances played tricks on me and forced the body to flee, while dragging the heart that clinging fast to what it once had. and at one point, the heart worn out and it just let go of the hold.

the heart now is in recovery,it doesnt look really good with those band-aids all over it but i’m quite surprise that it heals quite quickly. sometimes i ask the heart, “with all the effort and might you gave while you were clingin on, why do you recover so quickly? i even thought you would never heal.”

the heart just smile and answered me back,
“nature and nurture help”

now i know that i can stay, but i dont wanna leave. at least not right now.

Tell me there’s a logic out there
Leading me to better prepare
For the day that something really special might come
Tell me there’s some hope for me
I don’t wanna be lonely
For the rest of my days on the earth

Perfect Situation by Weezer

—————————————————————

bukan marstubasi (12/02/06)
pikiran mengajak nekat berbuat nakal
tapi hati mencegah dan berkata “it’s unethical, young lady.”pikiran menantang balik dengan suara mengejek,
“hah, bilang saja kamu engga berani.”
hati menggeleng seraya menatap saya dengan tatapan, “this one you will regret.”

saya mendongak ke pikiran
lalu melirik hati

kemudian….

mengambil jalan tengah,

imajinasi.
so no one would get killed :)

pikiran menikmatinya, hati bernapas lega
dan saya cukup puas.

We’ll run away together
We’ll spend some time forever
We’ll never feel bad anymore

Island in the Sun by Weezer

—————————————————————

(o7/02/06)

yang dosa itu manusiawi?
atau yang manusiawi itu dosa?kalau kita berhenti berdosa
apakah kita engga jadi manusia?

—————————————————————

c’est weekend after all ( 05/02/06)

i reached out my hand to the restart button
but this twenty years life of mine reacted nothing
and continue as if i didn’t press the buttoni reached to the power button
press it gently
and my life didn’t end right at the very second
and continues as if i didn’t reach out my hand at the first placemade a wish that they didnt create second, minute or hour to define time
made a wish that they didnt differ temporary and eternity
irresponsible wishes from a little human with an ego larger than life
irresponsible wishes made my inhumane humanity
what’s humane and what’s inhumane after all
i dont wanna give another damn
the world has a big enough place for a lil insane being like me

Well as for now I’m gonna hear the saddest songs
And sit alone and wonder
How you’re making out
But as for me, I wish that I was anywhere, with anyone
Making out.

Screaming Infidelities by Dashboard Confessional

(quoted from Mark Twain’s “Adventures of the Huckleberry Finn”.)

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

see you in hell fellas~

“S`io credesse che mia risposta fosse
A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,
Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse.
Ma perciocche giammai di questo fondo
Non torno vivo alcun, s’i’odo il vero,
Senza tema d’infamia ti rispondo”
Dante’s Inferno (XXVII, 61-66)

(If I believed that my answer would be
To someone who would ever return to earth,
This flame would move no more,
But because no one from this gulf
Has ever returned alive, if what I hear is true,
I can reply with no fear of infamy
)Epigram ini mengawali puisi T.S. Eliot yang berjudul “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufock”, jadi mau tidak mau profesor saya ngebahas stanza kutipan Infernonya Dante itu. kesimpulannya kata beliau, manusia hanya akan berkata jujur (“truth”) dalam situasi dimana konsekuensi itu tidak ada. so in any other time, it’s all about lie lie and lie.

kapan konsekuensi itu tidak ada?
bagaimana konsekuensi itu tidak ada?

mungkin saat kita “berkata jujur” itu adalah saat dimana kita berbohong pada diri sendiri untuk meyakinkan bahwa rentetan kata yang keluar itu tidak berkonsekuensi. setidaknya untuk mereka yang mendengarnya.

dan hal itu rasanya tidak mungkin. karena saat bibir terjahit, hati dan otak tetap akan berontak di dalam. huhm…

mungkin memang tidak akan pernah ada saat dimana konsekuensi itu tidak ada. ego saya telah memilih untuk mengacuhkannya, berkata apa yang hati rasakan. dan memutuskan untuk membohongi diri atas ketiadaan konsekuensi pada saat-saat tertentu.

yup, ujung-ujungnya bohong lagi.
jika bohong itu dosa, dan dosa adalah tiket ke neraka.
pasti yang namanya surga itu tidak benar-benar ada.

another lyric that…

I gave up coffee and cigarettes
I hate to say it hasn’t helped me yet
I thought my problems would just disappear
And all my pain would be in yesterday
I poured my booze all down the kitchen drain
And watch my bad habits get flushed away
I thought that would keep my head on straight
And all my pain would be in yesterday
But it’s true I’m still blue
But I finally know what to do
I must quit, I must quit youI thought that if I didn’t go and play
The sadness would get bored and go away
I thought that if I didn’t go astray
That all my pain would be in yesterday

But it’s true I’m still blue
But I finally know what to do
I must quit, I must quit youI sold my guitar and my piano
I thought that it was these that kept me low
I thought if only I could try and change
That all my pain would be in yesterday

But it’s true I’m still blue
But I finally know what to do
I must quit, I must quit you
I must quit, I must quit youCoffee and Cigarettes – Michelle Featherstone

Monday, February 27, 2006

this semester’s plan~

bukan kesibukan yang membuat saya gila, sebaliknya kesibukan membuat akal sehat saya memikirkan hal lain, selain menggila. akankah semester ini saya terlalu menggangur lantas menjadi gila dan menulis-nulis ingin mati sambil menatap strip obat penenang yang tergeletak depan mata saya? atau akankah saya menjadi sedikit waras dan bahagia akibat rangsangan high-pressure? huhm, let’s see….
Class Sched
Monday : 11:00-12:00 Bible Literature, 15:00-16:00 Modern American Poetry, 16:00-18:00 American Literature.
Tuesday: 10:00-12:00 French, 14:00-16:00 Constitution and Government Organisations, 16:00-18:00 Realize Your Sleep, 19:00-20:30 Business Japanese.
Wednesday: 10:00-12:00 Bible lit, 14:00-16:00 Modern American Poetry, 16:00-17:00 American Lit
Thursday: 10:00-12:00 French, 19:00-20:30 Business Japanese
Friday: 13:00-15:00 Comics Art
Huhm, 21 credits. not bad. :D i’m planning to take the English Lit 20th again this semester. i took it in my freshman year. it’s supposed to be the 3rd year compulsory course but i was bored that time with only 19 credits, so i took it. this year the teacher is different so i think i’m gonna come to the class without signing up (yah mana bisa sign up lagi = =”). can only go there once a week which is Friday morning because i also have class on Wed morning.
i’m kinda worried about those weird general courses. the name is creepy enough. what the heck is “Constitution and Government Organizations”? issit even a language? didnt quite read the chinese name when i signed up. i only heard from Mitsuko that it’s a good class.
and for the business japanese class.. moga-moga asisten dosennya masih sama kayak semester lalu. *wishing wishing wishing* i dont like late night classes but demi TA ilmu, i’m taking this class.

social and organization life
status : still single :(
activitites:
28 March, Overseas Chinese Student Festival. gonna be a lil bit busy around that time. first, i’m in the commitee. di bawah ibu Yuli roomie saya. bagian apa yah? *it’s in chinese and i dunno the english or indonesian word* pokoknya yang buat selebaran2 dan buat poster guedeeee (4×2,65 meter) yang ntar mau ditempel di activity centre. we just got back from buying the stuff and cutting flags and words yang ntar mau ditempel.
i promised hendra to dance. he was responsible for the performance that day. dan katanya mau nari hip-hop gitu dan kebingungan nyari orang. *mati saya, what was i thinkin waktu mengiyakan?* the prob is first, i cant dance hip-hop (okay, i can’t dance. any dance at all) and waktunya tinggal beberapa minggu lagi dan kita belum mulai latihan. well, he told me kalau besok malam mau latihan. i’m ok with it tapi orang-orang yang lain ngumpulin nya kan susah. well, i’ll just see tomolow. *pops, ajarin g nariiii…..*
that day bakal ada stand indo. yang jualan makanan dan pameran kebudayaan. i think i’m gonna be there all day long. issit 3 days? too bad tahun ini engga ada acara main air nya anak-anak myanmar. last year was fun. jadi kita itu ngumpul di luar dan dibatasin tali gitu. and within that border, everybody must get wet!! so that day last year everyone got crazy dan nyiram sana-sini, sampai ada yang dimasukin ke ember gede tempat nampung air itu. huhuhu i wanna do that again!! (kalau kata Yuli, “halah! seneng bukan cuma gara2 main air kan?”) hehehe..urmm something good indeed happened last year… *nyengar nyengir*
– akhir bulan maret dan menjelang bulan april. ada audisi buat Graduation Performance FLLD (Foreign Languange and Lit Dept.) it’s our turn this year! cant believe i’m graduatin next year :(. i just got the script today and planning to join the audition haha. soalnya ada pesan dari sahabat saya sebelum saya pulang ke taiwan, katanya “elo harus coba akting. it’s addictive.” and i promised her i would give it a shot :D. graduation performancenya semester depan kira2 november gitu. it’s a comedy. judulnya “The School for Scandal”. havent decided which part i’m auditionin for. gonna study the script starts from today.
– sedang mencari-cari kegiatan ekstra kulikuler. ^^
– mau daftar les jepang.
– akhir minggu di Taipei ada pameran belajar ke kanada ama amrik. i think i’m goin outta the town on friday afternoon.
*******
nulis schedule bosan yah.
Pinch me, is this real?
I’m on a one way ticket out of Loserville
Now I’m off the social flat line
Things are so good that I’m
Taking down my star trek shrine
And you’re more than just my Valentine
You’re my ticket outta Loserville

Ticket Outta Loserville by Son of Dork
(lagi suka band ini, ternyata setelah berwiki ria, menemukan kalau band ini pecahannya Busted tah. huhm, lebih suka ini daripada Busted :D)

Sunday, February 26, 2006

the day when my dream comes true~

February 26
haha

we actually did go to that grass field n hv an old fashioned picnic haha
well it was techniquely “old fashioned” with sandwiches and the cover~
but we all wear jeans instead of white picnic dress like those on romantic movies
haha pretty decent and the staring-at-the-stars part was real good

i just thought i’d actually accompany you to lay there instead of just hearing and reading about how you’d love to lay on the grass and count those stars…(in spite of the fact that i’m not in the same sex type and thus kissing ability with the person in your imaginations)

…and in my count there were 27 of them tonight.
glad you enjoyed it.
9:35 PM

(an entry on Mitsuko’s blog today ^^)

*********
when i was layin on my bed around four, cursing my sunday, and what happened to me earlier the day with the guys and cursing someone who apparently didnt quite used his/her brain when he/she took out my clean clothes from the machine and put in on top of the machine and made some of them quite dirty again *damn, what’s wrong with people today?*okay, when i was doing all that, i heard Kris Roe screaming “IOU One Galaxy” on the top of his lung, and after realizing that was my cell phone ringing, i picked it up.

“lagi dimana?”
“di kamar”
“cuacanya bagus. mau piknik ga? di padang rumput yang itu.”
“huhm, mau..”
“g lagi di toraja. mau kopi ga?”
“i’ll bring the coffee”

and after few discussions with few others. we were off to that grass field i’ve always talked about(or wrote about because i had too much ‘apaan sih elo?’ when i talked about how much i wanted to y down there and count the stars) . we watched the sunset. we laughed. we talked. we ate. we took pictures. we stared at the sky when it was slowly turning dark. i said a silent prayer thanking Him. i tried to count the stars (it made me sleepy), but after a few count, my mind always wandered to somewhere there (and someone there). i tried to count heartbeats but heard those warm laughters that brought smile to my face instead.

everything was great.
and really i meant it when i said, “kalau g dikremasi, g mau abunya disebar disini aja.” *yeah my cremation gonna be so expensive :p*
huhm, moga-moga biji itu bisa jadi pohon beneren dan kita janjian ketemu disini lagi yah. ^^
can’t wait for the Tuesday’s picnic.

ps: You made my day hun. I love you Mit. and i’ve never questioned your kissing ability but haha, even without kissing, today was (and will always be) great. and i wore my “tukang listrik” cargo pants today instead of jeans though.. for tuesday’s picnic i don’t think i have any dress, let alone the white-picnic-dress huhu. thanks for makin one of my dreams come true. have i toldja that i love you? btw i copied ur blog. i’ll remove it if you dont want it here. just tell me :D

pps: sherly definitely needs more “xun lian” :p Yuven, four years and finally yo ^_^ ricky, if i go back on summer i’ll go to surabaya and be careful with the line, saya susah dipuaskan loh *evil laugh*

ppps: really wished i could warp you here.

pppps: for Tuesday, ada yang mau ikut? :D

holiday
far away
to stay
on a Holiday
Far away
let’s go today
in a Heartbeat

Holiday by Weezer
(been humming the song all afternoon)

my mouth doesnt go to sunday school~

to be quite fucking honest, i was quite fucking insulted. and i dont give a fuck if i speak like my mouth never went to school before. okay, that was not only a “quite“. it was fucking insulting. those eyes and those fucking whispers and gestures, i’m sorry, they made their fucking way for eyes to see and my ears to listen.and if you thought i didnt fucking understand.
you were wrong. been there done that.

what comes around goes around huh?

But could you find it in your heart?
To make this go away
And let me rest in pieces

Rest in Pieces by Saliva

bon anniversaire mon frere~

dia anggota keluarga saya yang beda ayah dan beda ibu.
saudara semarga yang sama-sama lulusan tarakanita pluit.
teman yang selalu ada, bahkan untuk tangisan histeris jam tiga pagi.
atau gelak tawa selepas senja.
orang yang sama gilanya dengan saya ketika tidak waras.
dan orang yang logikanya tidak berhenti saat saya membutuhkannya.
dia bukan orang yang selalu mengiyakan saya,
juga bukan orang yang selalu membantah tidak puas.
jawaban jujur apa adanya selalu saya dapatkan anytime anywhere.dia membuat saya beruntung karena bertemu dan mengenalnya.
you know i’m not good with words, so let’s cut this crap and let me scream on the top of my lung…

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRO!

wish you all the best wishes a sister can give. love you, love you, love you, love you~

Saturday, February 25, 2006

i wanna see the sun sets seventy-seven times

“Un jour, j’ai vu le soleil se coucher quarante-quatre fois!”
Et un peu plus tard tu ajoutais: “Tu sais… quand on est tellement triste on aime les couchers de soleil…”
“Le jour des quarante-quatre fois, tu etais donc tellement triste?”
Mais le petit prince ne repondit pas.

(“One day I saw the sun set forty-four times!” And a little later you added “You know, when you’re feeling very sad, sunsets are wonderful…”
“On the day of the forty-four times, were you feeling very sad?”
But the little prince didn’t answer.)

The Little Prince by Antoine De Saint-Exupery

an endangered kissaholic species

Handwriting AnalysisYou plan ahead, and are interested in beauty, design, outward appearance, and symmetry.
You are a shy, idealistic person who does not find it easy to have relationships, especially intimate ones.
You are affectionate, passionate, expressive, and future-oriented.
You are a talkative person, maybe even a busybody!
You enjoy life in your own way and do not depend on the opinions of others

What does your handwriting say about YOU?

thinking of nothing now
nothing nothing nothing nothing
except….
“w a n t t o k i s s”

a kiss by the right guy…
just a simple lil wish…huhm huhm huhm..

*i think i’m gettin Hershey’s Kisses tomorrow (cookies and cream) or stick with my pillows. or die in desperation huhm….*

ps: thx goodness i wasn’t the one who witnessed the very-horny-and-inconsiderate-five-minutes-french-kiss-in-public. enjoyed that bro?

now i long for Yesterday
Yesterday by The Beatles

Thursday, February 23, 2006

this is getting old and ridiculous~

i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely.i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely.i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely.i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely. i hate to be lonely.
and on top of it, i hate admitting that I AM LONELY. i hate admitting that i’ve never gonna have enough company. i hate admitting that I HATE being miss. operator in the room every weekend because everyone else in my room turns out to have a real life, a real activity on Friday night and the only activity i have is picking up telephone and jotting down messages. i can pretend not to be lonely, but i can’t write that i’m not lonely. i miss my time in jakarta because i dont have time to think about the loneliness. i like accepting calls for me. i like my never stopped ringing cellphone. i like rushing from malls to cafe to anywhere just to get company. i love being the one who got home last so i dont miss anything. i even enjoyed picking Niel up from the internet cafe in 2 a.m. in the morning so i can have a fifteen minutes drive with someone in the night. i hate to admit that i hate whining about how lonely i am cause this stuff is getting old.
i hate my series-of-loneliness-dreams where i’m always the one who’s being left alone. and i dont need Freudian scholars to tell me that those dreams are reflection of my oppressed feeling or allegory of my past. i need them to cure me. to set a limit where i only need a certain amount of company charged into me and it would make me feel lonely no more.
i hate that few minutes ago i was lyin in my bed wanting to rest in peace. i hate that i was cryin out loud few seconds after everyone went out somewhere. i hate that new bruises on my knee and ankle which i got this afternoon when i fell down hard *i cried when i fell :(* in front of the bathroom. i hate the bruise i got when i almost fell down from the stairs in the administration building but managed not to fall and crash the wall instead. i hate the bruise i got when i tripped on the fan’s cable, fell down and managed to stand up but hitting the chair instead. i hate that those bruises hurt. but at least i can see the things that hurt.
but this pain inside, the one that wont go away, is invisible. and crying or writing doesnt help. and i even suffocated in my safety zone. maybe i should get someone to check if the zone was safe enough.
i hate feeling unwanted..
i’m skipping the Japanese Bussiness class. off to my safety zone again…
huhm~ one of the dream in that series-of-loneliness-dreams was sucks sucks sucks and i can see it coming. (and Mr.Freud, that definitely was not a reflection of my past. it’s getting real.. f*ck)

“Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away”
Broken by Seether

a small path to heaven (i added a pic :D)

( i took the picture today (23rd feb) . tapi jalanannya udah disapu kalau siang ^^. still i enjoyed my time there :D wish you guys can come and visit the school too.)
jalan itu adalah rute favorit saya setiap tahun sesaat sebelum libur musim dingin, dan sesaat setelah libur berakhir. alasan saya menyukainya sesaat sebelum semester akhir bukan karena akhirnya ujian selesai dan saya bisa balik jakarta. dan alasan saya menyukainya di awal semester, bukan karena baterai semangat saya masih penuh sehingga pergi ke kelas merupakan kegiatan yang menyenangkan.rute itu antar perpustakaan dan jalan pulang menuju asrama saya. jalan belakang kata orang-orang. saya suka lewat jalan setapak belakang gedung fakultas saya itu. kalau kamu melihat ke kanan, disana terhampar padang rumput luas dimana saya ingin dikuburkan dimana saya ingin melewatkan malam belahan jiwa saya berbaring disana menghitung bintang atau debar jantung masing-masing. atau mungkin hanya terdiam menikmati pijar-pijar lampu dari stasiun sepak bola yang tak mungkin lari dari mata. atau apa saja. (yeah, i mean it. atau apa saja)

kalau kamu menengok ke sebelah kiri, tentu saja ada gedung fakultas sastra ( stella, sastra asing 2003 nomor absen 54 :D *lho*) spasi antara jalan setapak dan gedung itu ditanami pohon-pohon tinggi yang sepertinya sudah di atur sedemikian rupa jaraknya. it’s like a very tiny forest when you I think of it. it just gives me some strange feeling that i enjoy :D

lalu setelah kurang lebih delapan puluh detik kamu berjalan, seiring kamu menemukan kalau pohon-pohon tinggi di kiri mu mulai berkurang, sesaat kamu melewati tempat parkir dan menyeberang jalan dan sampai pada pertigaan. arahkan kakimu ke arah kanan. dan tarik napas. (kamu juga bisa ke kiri kalau mau balik ke area kampus, saya sih mau pulang ^^) jalan panjang itu, jalan yang berawal dari gedung Activity centre sampai supermarket di bawah sana adalah jalan favorit saya di waktu-waktu yang saya sebutkan di atas.

saya selalu menikmati setiap detik di jalan itu, langkah saya cenderung saya perlambat just for another second there. dan musim seperti ini, barisan pohon-pohon yang telah ditanam dengan rapih di kanan kiri masih berdiri dengan gagahnya, walaupun daun mereka hampir tidak ada. mungkin masih ada daun-daun kuning yang enggan meninggalkan ranting, tapi tidak sedikit pohon yang berdiri dengan acuh tak acuh seakan-akan tahu, para daun hanya pergi bermain sejenak.

dan setapak yang saya injak itu hampir tidak kelihatan dibuat oleh tangan manusia. melainkan sedikit campur tanganNya yang mungkin tengah luang, merajut permadani panjang dari daun-daun kuning yang akhirnya jatuh ke tanah setelah lelah bermain.

saya selalu menikmati setiap detik di jalan itu. setiap helai daun kecil yang menyangkut di rambut saya. setiap bunyi gesekan sepatu saya dan tanah. setiap citra yang mata saya teguk. setiap gelak tawa orang-orang yang beristirahat di bangku-bangku putih di pangkuan akar.

setiap detiknya…….

(mungkin itu hanya jalan setapak biasa bagi mereka yang berakal sehat dan tidak mengada-ada. cuma kata yang bisa saya pinjamkan di sini dan kumpulan aksara tidak selalu bermakna. at least for me, it’s like the path to heaven. and i’m contented)

And everybody wants to be special here
They call your name out loud and clear
Here comes a regular
Call out your name
Here comes a regular
Am I the only one here today?”

Here Comes A Regular by Replacements

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

a corner of my own~

a picture of my “safety zone”, i love this corner of my bed so much. my roomie refers it as a junkyard cause most of what i put on the wall is pretty much ‘junk’ in shape, but not junk in meaning.

well, i have pictures on the wall (those aren’t junk by all meaning), i have a sign that says “No Animals Here Please” in Japanese (I love signs so much!), i have greeting cards, oh i have my fave Taiwanese rock band (Mayday) poster, i have tickets (from movie, bus, festival etc), i have magnets double taped on the wall because too many people have told me not to stick magnets on my cpu’s casing.

what my roomie referred as “junk” mungkin sebenarnya cuma beberapa benda. mungkin potongan-potongan sampul buku hardcover yang kuambil waktu dulu kerja di perpus *dibuang kan sayang, i mean they are really good*, then guntingan bungkus makanan. i told her potongan itu means a lot to me. someone gave it to me one day before my bday, karena tanggal kadaluarsa makanan itu persis sama ulang tahunku. then the other junk yang sampai buat dia geleng-geleng kepala habis2an itu, sobekan dari snack cheetos :D *klo di foto itu yang biru-biru di atas foto keluarga* there was a guy i like a lot a lot a lot. (kalau mau tulis terus “a lot” nya ga abis deh. tapi cuma “like” ajah ^^) well things were good with him. tapi, i had a boyfriend remember? huhu, somehow we just drifted apart. cheetos itu aku dapat dari dia. on mid-autumn festival night activity. i was just sitting alone there. he called my name,threw a pack of cheetos :D and walked away. and i kept that cheetos, only eating it few days before the expiry date. dan makannya juga dengan amat sangat tidak rela huhuhu. my roomie said, “untung bungkusnya engga elo cuci dan tempel di tembok.” hmm, why didnt i think of it? :(

the other stuff there were some teddy bears. there are 4 teddies on my bed. i got 3 of them form Mitsuko (dari mesin tangkep2 boneka), one from Fella (Jeff’s lil cousin whom i love very much) and a bigger one from Amel. she said it looks like me (sleepy-face :D), there’s also a digital doraemon clock (also from Mit, also dari mesin tangkep2 boneka.), a small piggy bank with a pig wearing pajamas sleeping on clouds with lil stars on it and a “No Disturb” sign (also from Amel, and it’s what Mit referred as “so-stella” issit the pig, the stars or the sleepy face?). There’s also a Working-House lamp that i bought because Jing2 told me it was so Pyrex. and some books i’m reading (currently reading “Catatan Seorang Demonstran”, but i also have “Le Petite Prince” xmas gift from Alex and a poem book “To a Very Special Sister” xmas gift from my sis.)
hmm, i also sleep with a lot of pillows. there are four of them. 2 untuk kepala, satu untuk dipeluk dan the other one is to cover my face. and on top of that i still have one guling to hug too. a psychological article i read classified me as an insecure person. but hey, i’m willing to trade all of em with someone who doesnt mind my kung-fu style of sleeping. (everyone who had tried usually attacked me with complains and refused to spend another night sharing bed with me. kalau semua bantal dan guling bisa ngomong, mereka pasti udah protes karena tiap pagi udah tergeletak di lantai.)
hmm, FYI kasur saya amat sangat keras. ^^ some have told me to get a new mattress. some have asked how i can sleep on that kind of surface. but i’m the girl who could sleep in the side of a volleyball court while everyone was playing happily. so this mattress is way good enough for me :D although i cant help to deny that a big fluffy 5 stars hotel bed is a blessing.
writing this made me kind of sleepy. and today i think i better start sleeping decently because i have to do a report of my sleepin habit for my “Realize Your Sleep” general education class. so i have to write down my sleeping and waking hours, list the drugs and things i consumed, and things like that for 2 weeks. then write a report based on the record. the class is interesting. i had my first class yesterday. the first task was to form a group consists of 4-6 people. and there was no one i knew in the class. so 3 guys who were sitting around me asked me if i wanted to join them. ( it’s kinda funny cause i heard them saying “elo deh yang tanya.” “aduh g bingung mau panggil apa, elo aja deh” around 3 minutes ^^” was i that scary?) well, anyway i grouped with them, tiga cowo ilmu fisika 2003 *seram*. hope they wont regret havin me in their group.
hmm, even writing a paragraph of my daily routine makes me bored. i should get a life.
How do you feel when there’s no sun?
And how will you be when rain clouds come?
They’ll pull you down again
How will you feel when there’s no one?
Am I just like you?”

Feeling a Moment by Feeder

Monday, February 20, 2006

Not Now

Not Now – Blink 182 Come here
Please hold my hand for now
Help me
I’m scared please show me how
To fight this
God has a master plan
And I guess
I am in his demand

Please save me
This time I cannot run
And I’ll see
You when this is done
And now I
Have come to realize
That you are
The one who’s left behind

Please stay, until I’m gone
I’m here, hold on
To me, I’m right here waiting

I see
The light it feels good
And I’ll come
Back soon just like you would
It’s useless
My name has made the list
And I wish
I gave you one last kiss

Please stay, until I’m gone
I’m here, hold on
To me, I’m right here waiting
And take, my one last breath
And don’t forget
That I will be right here waiting

Please stay, until I’m gone
I’m here, hold on
To me, I’m right here waiting
And take, my one last breath
And don’t forget
That I will be right here waiting

“mknya gue kmn2 keinget mulu terngiang2 deh. gue pertama denger di mobilnya si bodong. gila deh. sambil ngebut 140 di tol gading.aaahhhh.lampu jlnnya jd kyk garis getu.ngerti kan maksud gue (iyah ngerti, g pernah ngebut disana juga.) top abis deh.one of the best moments in my life abisss. waawwww. pokonya spanjang jln dengerin cd blink.jdnya kyk turn back time ke sma deh. jiwa blink gue telah kembali.gue sempat goyah n pindah ke radiohead. heheh. tp blink emang plg gilaa (beda aliran kali…) tetep aja. hehe. keseringan dgr radiohead bs bikin jd gila beneren. bahaya tuh.dosisnya harus dijaga. (heyyyyyy g tetep Yorkers nihhh) harus diakui.rh emang maut. tp mengancam kesehatan mental. heheh. dosenya plg bnyk 1x seminggu,kl ga gawat(hahaha, mksd lu g akan gila nih?)

apakah single terbaru dari album The Greatest Hitsnya Blink 182 sekeren descriptionnya andre? yang jelas, I LOVE THE LYRIC. T_T wondering who would be hurt more in time like that? the one who leaves or the one who left behind? either way it must be hurting both side if both sides are not ready. maybe the one who die should die in his/her sleep. maybe he/she should die alone and at least have the idea that he/she is hurting no one. but i guess dying alone isnt that appetizing, is it? although dying with bunch of people surrounding you and crying their heart out wouldnt be as merry too.

i guess i better go to bed~

Sunday, February 19, 2006

what about stella?

*nebeng komputer :D*saw this from ddee’s blog and somewhat got interested :D anyone with free time, care to fill this for me? thanks a lot :)

and the stars aren’t out tonight,
but neither are we to look up at them
why does hello feel like goodbye?
these memories can’t replace,
these wishes i wished and these dreams i chased
take this broken heart and make it right

Promise by Matchbox Romance

ps: Pops, i didnt get your message cause i cant go online.
pps: Mit, i’d still go for alcohol :D

Saturday, February 18, 2006

left with Echo again :D

komputer saya yang baru lahir kembali engga sampai dua belas jam itu kena virus. hasilnya, ip saya di ban oleh sekolah sehingga saya engga bisa online (on weekend, how sucks). next thing to do adalah mencari pinjaman cd windows xp inggris (chinese juga engga apa2 sih, tapi interface YM saya jadinya tanda tanya semua ntah kenapa), mengconsider apakah saya harus menggunakan PC-Cillin instead of Norton (Gila! udah update anti-virus definition plus full scan hdd masih bisa lolos aja virusnya.) terus menginstall kembali semua program-program yang diperlukan (it took until like 5 a.m. doing all that yesterday.)

moreover, karena ini weekend. saya harus nunggu senin supaya ip saya engga di block lagi. well, basically i will survive *crossing fingers* (but i cant browse lyrics *sedih*)

noticed that the topic of kissing gettin hot eh? was discussing that earlier with Yuli and when i opened my blog Pops and Mit were already ahead. haha. Pops, maybe you should get the tongue involved. Mit, my room is like ten seconds away from yours *evil laugh* but since you got Acer already maybe you wont be needing me. anyway, been spending my last seconds online drooling over Mila Jovovich with Yuli. I JUST LOVE HER LIPS *grin* and Yuli just lurveeeeeeeees her. and she asked me if it’s normal to get amazed by someone with the same gender. told her of course it’s normal. and as far as we discuss about those femme we love, they are just amazable (yeah i coined this word, i dont care if my linguistic prof shall kill me.)

now i’m borrowin my roomie’s PC while still considering which to take, Japanese 4th or Modern American Poetry. If I shall go to Japan instead of going back to Jakarta on summer, I’ll be needing a decent Japanese to truly experience the country (sounds like an advertisement from tourism board huh?), but Modern American Poetry class might not be opened next semester or even next two semesters (last year Prof.Poulsen opened “Modern American Novel”) so it would be like “take it or leave it” choice. well, till now i’m still registered at Modern American Poetry but I still have a few days to think of it and I’m like so confused. btw, I’m still taking Francais this semester :D

i dont know why but somehow this all afternoon i’ve been havin the idea in mind that i was quite late in actually living my life. i mean actually start it. have i started? or am i just in preparation that supposed to be long overdue. somehow i wish i have started earlier, like to read real books, to use all the senses i have to live. but in contrary, i wish i would forever stay in preparation cause “grown-up” worlds is something that is not understandable. (here i am, already twenty years old and still think i’m a kid.) I would love to just let it flow, but Yuli told me it is better to prepare. hmm, i still have a homework from Zurrie that i havent done yet, “a vision of me 5 years from now” how would i picture me? i dare not think for it seems like one blink away. and it freaks me out.

for now on, i shall still live with that “I’ll worry about it later” philosophy of mine. and shall also continue struggling with my “worry to much” disease, at least i think i’m pretty good in multi-tasking.

hope to be back online soon and put on that a freako anti-social internet sucker who hates to be alone identity again. a tout a l’heure dears~ oh, and i still want to kiss :D

Kiss The Bottle – Sparta (Jawbreaker Cover)

It gets loneliest at night
Down at the liquor store
Beneath the neon sky
Our moonlight

Six a.m. the floor comes alive with lice
The pan’s dried up so tight
With hardened beans
We’re hungry

So I lean on you sometimes
Just to see you’re still there
Your feet can’t take the weight of one
Much less two
We hit concrete

How were we born into this mess?
I know I painted you a prettier picture, baby
But we were run out on a rail
Fell from the wagon to the night train

I kissed the bottle
I should’ve been kissing you
You woke up to an empty night
With tears for two

Cigarettes they fill the gaps
In our empty days
In our broken teeth
We’re jonesing

Say mister, can you spare a dime?
Some change could make a change
Could buy some time
Some freedom

Or an ear to hear my story
It’s all I’ve got

My fiction beats the hell out of my truth
A palm upturned burnt blue
Don’t call it sunburn

You’ve been shaking on the job
Just one drink ahead of your past
There’s a white light coming up
You draw the blinds hoping it’ll pass

I kissed the bottle
I should’ve been kissin you
You wake up to an empty night
With tears for two

ps: a must listen song! havent heard the Jawbreaker version but i just love the Sparta’s cover. one of Echo’s fave late nite track. he’s grinnin happily in the corner.

pps: HAH? baru ngecheck pengumuman di board PERPITA (Persatuan Pelajar Indonesia Taiwan). *ngucek2 mata tak percaya* *ngecheck sekali lagi* *ngecheck di board lain* ternyata… saya dapat beasiswa nya! *ketawa kenceng banget* *nyengir gede banget* senang senang senang. how much was it? 10,000 NTD tah? if i can find a part time job, i’ll go to Japan with the money on summer holiday. off to call my parents ^^

Friday, February 17, 2006

今晚,我是他的~ :D (edited)

akan menghabiskan malam jumat saya dengan

ups, maksud saya dengan

蘇福義先生請多多指教!
(Shu Fu-yi Xian Sheng Qing Duo Duo Zhi Jiao)

希望讀完書, 看完電影可以了解真真的 “蘇福義
然後在Wikipedia寫關於他的article (in Chinese)
哈!是否我想了太多
哪麼糟的中文能力怎麼可能可以寫啊?
if only i can let at least my classmates know about this Indonesian Chinese man
so they would stop judgin overseas chinese student with the stereotype they have in mind right now. especially Indonesian.
可是會不會是因為有我這樣的印尼僑生他們更convinced with the stereotype?
*sarcastic laugh*
我到底在想什麼啦…. *瘋了* @@”

*edited part
Yuli sudah pulang. Yuli sudah pulang. Yuli sudah pulang. Yuli sudah pulang. Yuli sudah pulang. Yuli sudah pulang. Yuli sudah pulang. Yuli sudah pulang. Yuli sudah pulang. Yuli sudah pulang. Yuli sudah pulang. Yuli sudah pulang
. Lalalalala… :D

(bagi yang tidak tahu, Yuli adalah roomie saya tercinta hehe. biarpun banyak yang mengira kami lesbian tapi kami masih straight [atau bi?] karena kami tahu kalau kami berdua cinta mati sama Chad Michael Murray dan Hilarie Burton, menyuruh kami memilih salah satu dari mereka adalah hal yang mustahil. untung yuli ga suka sama dia dan dia juga. bwekk :p. walaupun dengan dia yang pertama saya harus bersaing dengan wanita seluruh indonesia *quote Fajar*. at least dia yang kedua sampai saat ini lom ada saingannya *lho*)

well, was reading in bed when she said she wanted to format her computer. terpaksa meninggalkan “Catatan Seorang Demonstran” dengan foto saya dan sahabat sebagai pembatas buku. karena telah tiba juga saatnya komputer saya juga diformat. telah menghabiskan wkt hanpir setengah jam mencari letak history chat YM dan tidak menemukannya. T_T i’ll just keep the chat log in mind then. moga-moga proses format ini cukup lancar jadi saya bisa segera online lagi. ciao ciao~

ps: “dia” yang kedua namanya Romain Duris. Fell in love while watching one of his movie called De battre mon coeur s’est arrêté (means “The Beat that My Heart Skipped”) then fell in love once again while watchin The Russian Dolls on plane from Bangkok to S’pore (ga selesai nontonnya T.T). i just like the shine from his eyes. hypnotizing :D

hm..

my most fave most frequent disease but usually only ends up with “minum air” *sebal*
p e n g e n k i s s i n g*minum air, eh kopi*

I’m scared I’ll miss the way we used to talk.
And if its all forever lost dont wanna know.
I’m scared that you’re the one that got away.
And i want you here with me.
Tonight, will never come.
Awake by Dashboard Confessional

Thursday, February 16, 2006

when holiday is over~

saya sudah pulang ke universitas di belantara nanas ini. engga ngecek apakah lagi musim atau engga soalnya waktu nyampe sini sudah gelap. kurang lebih empat setengah jam di bus cukup membosankan. post winter break tahun lalu dalam perjalanan pulang ke sekolah, saya ditemani anak TI 2004 (ganteng dan tinggi, tapi sayang junior haha) yang meminjamkan saya jaketnya selama 4 jam itu, padahal saya engga kenal (dan sampai sekarang juga engga tau namanya =.=”) udah lama saya engga melihat anak itu di kampus, dulu kalau ketemu dia selalu berteriak2 semangat manggil saya (karena saya engga tau namanya huhuhu..) and his smile is like sunshine, hangat banget (pdhl sama orang ga dikenal..) mungkin karena gedung fak. sastra sama teknik jauh banget sih ya, jadi makanya jarang ketemu.udah selang hampir 3 jam sejak saya sampai di kamar ini, and it struck me when i opened the door, how much i miss this place.begitu pulang langsung nyari mitsuko untuk register internet semester ini, dan nyari yuven untuk beli calling card. setelah itu membuka koper yang sampai sekarang masih terbuka dengan segala isinya yang tumpah. *males*

rasanya sebentar lagi saya harus beranjak dari komputer dan mulai membereskan satu-persatu barang saya, karena koper di tengah jalan itu bikin macet. and i have tons of laundry to do too.

saatnya membuat sudut kamar ini jadi layak ditinggali lagi. :D

All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
I like watchin’ the puddles gather rain
And all I can do is just pour some tea for two
and speak my point of view
But it’s not sane, It’s not sane

I just want someone to say to me, (oh oh oh oh)
I’ll always be there when you wake
You know I’d like to keep my cheeks dry today
So stay with me and I’ll have it made

And I don’t understand why I sleep all day
And I start to complain that there’s no rain
And all I can do is read a book to stay awake
And it rips my life away, but it’s a great escape
escape……escape……escape……
No Rain by Blind Melon

ps: the universe’s conspiracy ckckck.. what’s goin on really?

still here after all~

San Dimas High School Football Rules – The AtarisLast night I had a dream that we went to Disneyland,
Went on all the rides, didn’t have to wait in line.
I took you to your house where we stared up at the stars
I listened to your heartbeat as I held you in my arms.

We hung out at the Rainbow where we drank ’till half past two.
Nothing could go wrong anytime that I’m with you.
Like crashing a hotel room or leading up to that first kiss
Or searching for a high school that you know doesn’t exist…

These are the things that make me free
I feel like I’m stuck in stand by me
This night was too good to be true.

Today I woke up alone wishing you were here with me,
I want us to be something that we’d probably never be.
Today you called me up and said you’d see me at our show,
But now I’m stuck debating if I even want to know.

Whitney, don’t you understand that what I say is true?
I just want you to know I have a major crush on you.
I’d drive you to Las Vegas and do the things you wanna do
I’d even have Wayne Newton dedicate a song to you.

I only wish that this could be
Just dump your boyfriend and go out with me
I swear I’d treat you like a queen. A queen.

ps: masih pengen ngilang.
pps: @#$%@#$@%@%@pps: @#$%@#$@%@%@$&$&!!
amp;pps: @#$%@#$@%@%@$&$&!!
amp;!!
ppps: Om Zurrie, Happy Birthday!

my least fave but most frequent ‘disease’,
p e n g e n n g i l a n g

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

my last self-consolation, hopefully~

akhirnya cuma tertahan di ujung lidah
atau mungkin memang tidak pernah beranjak dari pangkal
atau jangan-jangan menyangkut di tenggorokan
dan hanya bisa membuat saya terbatuk-batuk
atau tertawa garing dan meringis sinismungkin memang cuma menggema di hati
pertanyaan ini
mutar-mutar di hati saja, atau kadang melonjak langsung ke kepala
di sana dia mutar-mutar lagi
dan mengundang

Echodan hingga detik terakhir saya berbicara dengannya
kalimat ini, tidak berhasil keluar
pertanyaan ini tidak mendapatkan jawabannya
(atau memang jangan-jangan tidak ada?)


“KAMU KOK TEGA SIH?”
Sebaiknya saya berhenti mencari consolation dengan membuat alasan yang mengada-ada. mungkin memang rasa sayang dia terhadap dirinya berjuta kali lipat dari perasaannya terhadap saya. mungkin saya cuma sebuah objek atau produk yang lewat dalam hidupnya, dan kebetulan saja di akhir tahun lalu sudah kadaluarsa. (yeah, self-consolation yang mengada-ada lagi. duh!)

saya sudah angkat kaki dari tempat itu. hati saya dimana? saya cukup yakin dia tidak tinggal, tapi dia juga tidak disini. sedang berjalan-jalan dan mencari mungkin?
(moga-moga dia pergi nyari kerja paruh waktu aja degh. ^^” badly need one right now)

She’ll lead you down a path
There’ll be tenderness in the air
She’ll let you come just far enough
So you know she’s really there
Then she’ll look at you and smile
And her eyes will say
She’s got a secret garden
Where everything you want
Where everything you need
Will always stay
A million miles away
Secret Garden by Bruce Springsteen
(abis nonton Jerry Mcguire di pesawat! suka :D) ps:Echo pops, bukan Eko
pps: feel like dialing that number. has been doing that every night while i’m back in jakarta and it feels weird not doing it. miss you~

Sunday, February 12, 2006

tomorrow is just an excuse*

(postingan yang diketik ulang karena kehapus T_T)reach to the point where my mind thinks to much and it just goes blank. well, not really blank. more like it just tangled up in wires. those wires with thorns.

the thorns that prickle when the mind reacts to something.
the thorns that prickle when the mind reacts to nothing.

sometimes they are stimulating for pain and pressure is a pleasure
but sometimes the stings just feel like nothing.
n-u-m-b

escape has never been an option from i can’t run from what is inside.
and i have nowhere to run to, for i’m one of those lost souls on earth, that go to and fro, hiding in people’s comfort zone. enjoying the warmth, company and hospitality while offering what i have in return. sometimes i hope that it wont be too soon for the time they ask me to leave, and at some other times, i just cant wait to leave.

the heart once begged me to stay, but circumstances played tricks on me and forced the body to flee, while dragging the heart that clinging fast to what it once had. and at one point, the heart worn out and it just let go of the hold.

the heart now is in recovery,it doesnt look really good with those band-aids all over it but i’m quite surprise that it heals quite quickly. sometimes i ask the heart, “with all the effort and might you gave while you were clingin on, why do you recover so quickly? i even thought you would never heal.”

the heart just smile and answered me back,
“nature and nurture help”

now i know that i can stay, but i dont wanna leave. at least not right now.

Tell me there’s a logic out there
Leading me to better prepare
For the day that something really special might come
Tell me there’s some hope for me
I don’t wanna be lonely
For the rest of my days on the earth

Perfect Situation by Weezer

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    […] influence mostly hormones and occasional alcoholic beverages a little bit of this and thatthis is for keeps « 2010 resolutions: How […]

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