No surprise at all that I didn’t post anything in 2018, huh? I did write some short poems in my phone, but when I switched phone, somehow my notes were not successfully backed up so I kinda lose all five of them. LOL. What gutted me that there were a few raw ideas I jotted down that I feel like exploring, but well, boo-hoo, it’s all gone, what to do about it?
2019 is just two weeks in, and I’m already under my bad spell. It’s really hard juggling work, housework, parenting, sanity and so on. This humble small business I just started a few months ago didn’t get enough of my attention and I feel really bad about it because it is going well and have potential to grow more. But, I’ve spent too much of my time to scrape dried play-doh from my kids’ shirt and trying to remove wax crayon stain from everything.
Duncan Jones tweeted something about having kids isn’t the best decision in (his) life and I kinda agree with him. I think in order to get married or have kids, you really got to know how to manage your expectations first. If you are shitty in doing it, just like I do, then everything will feel so hard because, congratulations! Now you have your spouse’s and your kids’ expectations to manage too. I’m not talking about being ungrateful yada yada yada but people shouldn’t just tell other people to get married or to have kids because they are the ultimate joy in life.
Inside my jumbled up head, when I feel inadequate as a mom, next I will feel like I’m not a good wife, then I will feel like this is karma biting me back in the ass because I’m not a good kid/sister and eventually, I’d feel worthless and thinking about killing myself. When I think about killing myself, I would try to figure out how to kill myself without making my family feel ashamed. Do I have enough money saved for my kids until they are 17, and so on.
I don’t know if I’m ranting because I feel tired or my painkiller works funny in my brain instead of killing my back pain. Seriously, it’s hurting so much, it felt like I’m having contractions and about to give birth to bitterness.